My Amazing Husband

Well, I just have to shout to the world, I HAVE AN AMAZING HUSBAND!!! I am truly blessed to have him in my life and in my kids lives. I didn't always feel that way, and I've been down some paths in my life where I questioned what I was doing. But, I really and truly believe in my heart and soul that God knows what we need in our lives, He wants the best for us, and He loves us--I know He loves me and cares deeply for me. I know this because He knew exactly what I needed in a partner. There were certain criteria I had in my mindset, and God gave all of those attributes to me in Alan. I fought against Alan for so long, because he didn't come in the "package" I wanted him to come in. But I was truly stupid and narrowminded and my heart was closed off to anything else, except my "ideal," even though my "ideal" happened to come in a nice little package, but was a complete jerk to me and cared nothing of my happiness and wellbeing.
It took me a few years to really realize what I had, thank God Alan didn't give up on me, I'm sure I wasn't easy to deal with back then, fighting against him, even though he loved me for me and wanted only to love me, and for me to love him. That's all he wanted, and I couldn't even do that. I feel so bad at times for mistreating him, I wish I could take back all the hurt and pain I caused him, but I can't. I've apologized many times, and all I can do is hope that he truly has forgiven me. He says he has and I think he really means it.
I really wanted my marriage to work, I wanted to love Alan, but for some reason, it wasn't happening on my own. I didn't know what to do, other than to pray and to ask God for forgiveness. Forgiveness for mistreating this beautiful man, for wanting to put him aside for someone else. How could I be so stupid??? So I prayed and prayed and prayed and truly dug deep inside of me and poured my heart and soul out to God and asked him to help me, help me to love Alan, to desire him, to give him the respect, love, admiration and adoration that he deserved. I prayed for a few months, and then it started happening without me even really realizing it. I started to "see" Alan in a whole new light, I loved him more than ever, I wanted to be close to him more than ever, I wanted to stroke his hair, and reach out and touch him to show him I loved him, I told him I loved him (for no reasons many times), I wanted to make love to my husband to show him I desired him. I can't attribute ANY of those things to anyone but God. God showed me how wonderful Alan is, he put a fire in me to love Alan, he opened my eyes, really and truly opened my eyes--and I see Alan the way God sees him, not the way people (me included) saw him. He was, and is beautiful to me just as he is. I can't imagine my life without him!!!
The last time Alan and I had a real big fight, was because of me (this was when I first started feeling these things I had been feeling--the good things that I've been talking about). I said some things to him (of course there was alcohol involved), I said some things I wish I hadn't. But in the morning, I realized what I had done and I cried and cried and I told him I hadn't meant any of those things, but of course, I'm sure he was probably thinking, "yeah right, I've heard that before." I felt so bad, but once you say something, (drunk or sober) you can't take it back unfortunately, and that hurt is there, and it was all over his face, and I couldn't take it back. I told him I loved him very much and that I was sorry I had said those things, that I hadn't meant any of it (I'm not very nice when I've been drinking--and I hate that about myself). I told him that God had come into my heart and I KNEW that God was with me, that He was helping me to love him and I KNEW that God was going to give us a baby because he loved us both that much. I'm sure he thought I was crazy, and I'm sure he didn't believe a word I was saying, but I knew in my heart, that's what God's plan was going to be for us. And months and months later, it did happen, just as I told him. I knew that God was working in my heart and I knew that this baby would be a sign from Him, showing Alan and I that He was there for us, and that He was working in me, and in our marriage. It was a sign to me that this was where I was supposed to be. I haven't been that horrible wife that I used to be, thank you Lord!!! I have so much love in my heart for my husband and I feel like we're at a whole different level in our marriage, I feel like we're a team and nothing can come between us. I'm there for him, and he's there for me, no matter what. That's what it should be, it's him and I against the world, working for the betterment of our kids and our family.
Alan told me a long time ago that God brought us together, and I would always dismiss him when he said that, but I truly believe He did do this on purpose, this was His plan from the beginning and I know I've been truly blessed and God really does have us in the palms of His hands. Nothing will ever make me believe any differently.
We are now onto a new chapter of our lives thanks to God. We have a new little baby girl on the way, and all along the way I've had faith that everything was going to be fine with her, even though we had some not-so-good news along the way. We had to have chromosomal testing, amnioscentesis testing done, etc. In my heart, I felt like all of thoses tests were unnecessary and I told Alan, but he thought we should have them done anyway. I said, "okay," because I knew he was worried. I, on the other hand, knew God was with me and my unborn baby, and I knew he would give us a healthy baby girl. And sure enough, I think God sees the faith in my heart and soul and he has provided. God is so great!!! Alan sees the faith I have, and I think it's rubbing off on him now too, which is sometimes a little hard for him to do, but he's trying. He sees what my faith has brought us and how can that be denied???
I love you Alan!!!!!!!